Tuesday, January 10, 2006

i'm in the process of dumping the guy that i've been seeing on/off for the past 6 months. (it should be over in about 24 hours.) we've actually done this before. dumped each other. three years ago and it didn't end well. there was name calling and a cold cold silence that i studiously maintained for three years. why i decided to give him a second chance, i don't know. boredom, loneliness, impatience.

he is the first casualty of my new year's resolution: Make an Effort. sensing that we were really bad for each other i made an effort to be honest. i made an effort to share the feelings that i'd been swallowing for the past 6 months. i made an effort to respect him the way i hadn't respected him before. so i'm dumping him.

he and i were supposed to see each other over the christmas holiday to spend a few days together. but it never happened, for some reason. every plan we made fell through and then i got it: this isn't supposed to work. i suppose i should have called him then to tell him that, instead of waiting for now, but better late than never. that was before i was Making an Effort.

i can't help thinking about the premarital sex thread earlier this year (almost a year ago!) where you all talked about the spiritual model of intimacy. yeah, he and i didn't have that, so i'm not too broken up about losing this relationship. but i do feel bad about our mutual dishonesty; every time we were together we lied to each other - that this is what we wanted, that we were good for the other.

better to be honestly alone than a liar.


Anonymous said...


No matter how wrong the relationship is, breaking up is hard to do. Kudos to you for making the effort to respect each other and end something that was not meant to be.


ding said...

being a responsible adult blows. it was so much easier to end something when i just pulled a 'tomato seed': you kinda slide to the side and disappear forever.

but now! once you're responsible, you still feel 'well, maybe we could've worked it out.' ugh. i hate feeling weak. i'm deleting him from my cell phone and blocking his emails.

thanks for the kind word. i appreciate it.