Friday, October 07, 2005

Dating Jesus: “I have two years of collage”

Fusion 101

Big Church

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to finding a progressive ChurchGuy. Really. I was thinking that maybe I was too hard on church guys and wasn’t giving them a fair deal. Besides, I’ve met (sorta) all these cool people here, so if cool people are coming here then there have to be more out there, right? Especially in Chicago – home of the indie … whatever.

But I’m not going to meet any cute hip guy at my church. Love the old Gray Dame but the men here look like they stepped out of a Brooks Brothers catalog. And the only person at church who makes me break into an inappropriate sweat is the one-armed guy in the choir. Grrr…he’s so yummy. Impenetrable like a fortress, but yummy. (And he’s a really cool guy – devout, funny, faithful and can wear the color pink really well. And the one arm –it gives all the women I know naughty thoughts.)

The Plan: I have particular tastes, which make finding someone … particular so very hard to do when you leave it up to chance. I mean, I’m not just going to bump into a nice, naughty hottie Christian guy on the Grand bus, you know? You need a plan. You need a strategy. So I decided to go online. How hard could it be? I’ve tried it before and it worked like a charm. (Boy did it.) Online Christian dating should be just as easy; we all speak the same language! Though I could have started with the regular dating sites to find the progressive the more important thing was the Christian part. I sort of want to concentrate on that right now. Find the Christian, fill in the progressive and add the naughty. See? Not so hard.

The Reality: Dear sweet baby jesus. They’re so boring. And weird! Jeebus, the kind of weird that, if you were sitting next to them at a dinner party, you’d stab your eyes out with a fork. Bankers, post office workers, praise leaders, IT technicians, musicians, single fathers, divorced dads, widowers, teachers, missionaries (taking back Nepal for Jesus!), military guys, ad execs…why are they all SO boring?

They like boring women:
‘Ideally a woman with strong Christian principles who puts Christ above all things in her life. Someone who is emotionally stable, comfortable expressing herself---her desires, disappointments, expectations.’

‘Kind, caring, giving, cares about people’

‘You love going to church, and serving there. I'm at church at least three days a week, almost every week of the year. I'm a small guy, so you're a small lady.’

They want to go on dates at boring places:
‘Probably a nice, quiet restaurant, or some other quiet public place.’

‘I like to spend my leisure time with sports activities, but I love to do so many things’

‘During worship at church.’

They display all the personality and imagination of a robot:
‘I am passionate about my faith, first and foremost. Then music and theater. I also love the visual arts, but I'm not as knowledgable in that area. I am open to any questions you may have : )’

[an emoticon!]

Or maybe they just don’t know when to shut. up.:
‘You should be able to have fun doing anything or nothing. Example; go bike riding for a couple hours; then, go home to get ready to play golf; next, eat and maybe watch a movie; finally, if time permits, go to a friends to play games (cards or board - not bored - games) or go swimming (obviously if weather permits). You must like to go motorcycle riding, at least a little bit. When weather isn't agreeable, that's kinda often around here, we can talk or watch movies or visit family or friends. Yes, I do like to just sit and talk; but I'm a good listener.’

These are all guys MY AGE – and they sound like my dad! Actually, no – my dad’s waaay cooler than this!

It’s not the weird church language that’s freaking me out (though it’s weird they demand to know how you characterize your faith right off the bat. That’s totally personal, dude.) It’s not the bizarre church sub-culture thing that’s making me skeeved out. Not entirely, anyway.

It’s the blankness I see – I have NO idea what any of these guys are really like. They all sound alike, like the same things, want the same things, live the same way (or say they do) but I honestly don’t get a sense of WHO they are. There’s just a big hole where a personality is supposed to be. Except that they all seem to wear the face of a happy shiny Jesus mask. I think that’s weird – a sub culture of men who seem to be cut from the same holy cloth. What's behind the mask? No one is happy shiny Jesus all the time; if you are, you are lying or are on some kind of serious meds.

Would it be more spiritual of me to ask that God make me like bland men? (shudder)
Or is it wrong that I like men who have better writing skills? (that makes me a snob, doesn’t it.)


the reverend mommy said...

be a snob.
and it _is_ all a mask.
wish I could help out.

Trinity said...

LOL! I know exactly what you mean! I tried doing this exact same thing last year and I just about fell asleep on most of the dates. Good luck on your search.

Songbird said...

I used writing skills as a screening tool to great success. (I didn't realize how much he leaned on spell-check, but you can't have everything...)

ding said...

i'm really trying to be a good churchgal and the boringness out there is going to make me chuck it all in!

but seriously, the mask-ness of them creeped me out in a big way. i don't know if i'm being unfair to them (poor guys) or if there's just something about churchiness that i don't get because i'm not that churchy...

Anonymous said...

i think there's a lot of important stuff in your last little statement, maybe it's the chuchiness that's the problem. . . but then again you sound like a Seinfeld episode "she's got man hands. . .she's a soft talker. . he's a christian. . she chews with her mouth open. ."

i don't know who in the hell you are, but this is some good shit.
-fellow church girl in chicago too

jesus chick said...

have you filled out your "profile" and pitched it out there? there may be some guy out there reading all of the gal's comments and thinking the exact same thing. . . boooring. maybe they're all saying what they "think" they're supposed to say. i am quite confident that there's a match for you. somewhere. maybe seattle ;)

ding said...

i hate seinfeld. i'd like to think my complaints about church guys go way back.

and, yes, i have a profile out there. it's floating, repelling all the church guys around me because i totally misquoted proverbs 13, shit, 31. (see? i'd hope there's a church guy out there who thinks that's funny.)

why does churchiness have to sound like you're been lobotomized?

amelia said...

i have to (de-lurk in order to) say: finding cool progressive christian men? not so easy. i've been lucky to get two of those three adjectives together in the past couple of years, and it's making me grumpy. keep updating us on your search...

ding said...

well, you know how people have friday cat blogging? i'm making this my biweekly friday blogging update: Dating Jesus.

for the sake of research and thoroughness i'll be your lab rat and go on a couple of christian dating sites every couple of weeks, check them out and come back hereto report.

i'm anticipating lots of disappointment.

LutheranChik said...

All the best. And don't settle. (This coming from someone who spends her Friday nights at home with a geriatric mom and geriatric dog.)

ding said...

what i love best about everyone's good wishes (and i really love them) is the visual they prompt:

you all standing on a dock, waving to me, wishing me luck, as i set out in my little row boat to sail around the world...knowing i'll never return.

Anonymous said...

jeepers, ding...sounds like yer embarking on a procedure, like changing the jets on a carburetor at the side of a freeway where the whoosing of passing trucks threatens to send those jets down the rabbit hole into your engine block where they, and you, will be DOOMED!

Why not use your obviously large brain and good sense of humanity to find a nice man you like, rather than make yourself nutty trying to fit him and you into a template?


ding said...

well, i *would* if i knew where to find him!

you know, i'm normally not this crazy about guy crap. i mean, i've always had 'arrangements', you know? but NOW, now that i'm trying to be, well, *good* the arrangement isn't working out so much.

so now i'm trying this. i'm being way too controlling about it, aren't i? i can't help it; i'm a total control freak. if i can't plan it, strategize it or make an outline around it, then i go nuts.

(i desperately want to be Good, you know? but i have a feeling being Good isn't my strong suit.)

thesciencegirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ding said...


but we're meant to be equally yoked!! what will we do??

grr. thank god for girlfriends, books, alcohol and the occasional vibrator. (not all at once, mind you. that would be, ahem, excessive.)